The Normal Life of Kevin McCormick
by SpellboundWinter
Summary: Ten million megatons... I dunno what it meant but it wasn't good. It was gon' kill us all. Boom, like a bunch of fireworks. I remember clutchin' onto my girl tight as everybody counted down. But that was then, let's go back when everyone and everythin' was normal. My name is Kevin McCormick. I was your average guy. KevinxShelly, non-slash and AU.
1. Chapter 1

**A story of Kevin McCormick. He's a little uneducated so the way he words things isn't _really_ considered proper English. I like doing accents, you really get to know the characters by how they speak.**

**It's mostly non-slash and a little humorous, I hope. :D Yay for my dry sense of humor!**

**Also... an Apocalypse is looming on the horizon. Oooh~! :)**

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They said it was almost ten million megatons... I dunno what it meant but it wasn't good. It was this big _thing_ fallin' from the sky.

It was gon' kill us all. Boom, like a bunch of fireworks. I remember clutchin' onto my girl tight as they counted down the time we were supposed to bite the dust. I remember lookin' into those bright eyes of hers. They were brimmin' with tears. She opened her mouth a little and nothin' came out.

I knew what she was gon' say anyways. She didn't have to say a word.

I remember a loud bang and then an earth shatterin' quake. The earth was a rumblin' and a tumblin'. I squeezed her in a hug, not even the shakin' earth could split us up.

It was one of them things. You wish you coulda told the girl you love how ya feel.

Because we were gonna be dead within seconds.

But, I'm gettin' ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning when everything made sense and was normal.

My name is Kevin McCormick. I'm a mechanic and I don't do that much exciting things. I guess I was your average guy. I had a tiny apartment, a job and a friend. Yep, a friend. Just the one.

I wiggled my tongue though through the gap of my teeth. Braces never did work. I wasn't that much into lookin' good. I didn't have no lady to impress or anythin'. I was donning a dirty pair of jeans and a flannel shirt. My hair was tussled around a little. It was a little greasy but I didn't much care, I just stuffed it under my Nuggets baseball cap.

I was on this long train in Denver, you know those train underneath the ground? Its kinda cool once you think about it but it ain't all that. I didn't have a car on the account I up and did crashed it over there by the outskirts of South Park.

I was going ninety in a thirty zone. Police say I'm awfully lucky to have survived. I got my brains a little scrambled but I always did have a tough skull. Least that's what my mama used to say.

I couldn't afford a repair since it was totaled so bad. I might be a mechanic but I ain't rich and insurance ain't cheap. I was a little poor, Cartman don't pay me enough.

While I sat on the bus these two girls sat beside me. They weren't all that nice, I wouldn't call myself a creep. I mean, I ain't clean 'cause the car fluids raining down on my face 'nd hands but I'm a good guy.

These two girls were all huddled up and I wondered what in the heck they were doin'. I did another little peek.

I noticed the magazine they were holdin'. The two girls gossiped beside me about the boy on the magazine cover. I wonder...

I peered down at the man. Bright blue eyes and a coy smile. It was none other than Kenny McCormick. Yup, my brother. He really made something out of his life and I ain't got much to say myself.

I sat back in my seat as one of the girl wrinkled up her nose at me. It wasn't very nice but I guess it was okay. It was a free country after all.

I got off the train walkin' a short way to work. I glared over at the newspaper stand, seein' Kenny's photos layerin' the shelves. I approached the little booth, starin' at the magazine.

I picked it up in my hands. "Fifty ways to seduce your woman; Kenny McCormick has the answers you want." I read aloud.

The man behind the counter slouched over the magazines lookin' at me. "You read that garbage?"

I shrugged puttin' the trashy magazine in the man's hands. "It's not my type of thing. You see, that's my brother."

"A pretty boy, eh?" he rang it up with a few 'tings' from the register.

I dug in my wallet for a few bucks before leavin' a few on the counter. I rolled up the mag in my hands walkin' off.

"Wait, sir!" The guy looked about flabbergasted, gazin' up at me. "This is a fifty."

"Keep it." I flashed him a smile. I liked to think I did a good deed.

I was strollin' around in a pretty gay mood. Oh, an' gay meanin' happy. I was always like this. And you're gon' see gay a lot instead of sayin' happy.

It even makes me crack a grin.

Then I saw it.

It's my future wife. This girl ya know, she was always walkin' at this time. I always admired her from a distance. Apparently it was Stan's sister Shelly. We never did talk much but she was always angry. Her face was always caught in a permanent scowl. I think it was because her bein' little makin' faces and it froze up that way.

Mama always said about that happenin' and it scared the bejesus outta me!

That girl Shelly had cute choppy cut and chestnut hair, she liked the color pink. She was always wearin' that color everyday to work. If you wanna know, she worked over there at that wiener factory next to Cartman's auto shop. To this day I can't stand the smell of hot dogs.

Now I know what your sayin', "Kevin, why don't you go up and talk to her?" or something like that. Well, because it ain't that simple. I didn't have the balls to go talk to her. I was scared that she'd pop me right in the face.

I cracked open the shop door with a ring. Cartman looked up from his food. He was glarin' at me like somethin' furious. "What the hell Kevin? Your late again. I'll fire your ass and hire an Asian or one of those smart kids from an actual college."

Don't mind him, he's a bastard.

"I got a magazine over there at that stand."

"Goddamn dude I can see why your late. You talk slow and you move slow. Poor people." He rolled his eyes at me.

Cartman never really bothered me much. He was all talk but no bite. He wouldn't fire me because how good of a worker I am.

I pressed one of the buttons to lift a car off the ground a bit. Cartman read off of his clipboard. "The engine is shit. Hydro locked because this chick thought it was a good idea to go through a pond or something."

I let out a sigh before nodding. "Look like my check is gon' be big."

"I got to dock your pay anyways." Cartman sneered. "You're always late."

I didn't argue. I wasn't late all the time but I choose my battles wisely. After a long mornin' of replacing an engine and hookin' everything up right it was my lunch break.

Cartman would buy us both burgers from that place down the street. An' I know your thinkin' it's a kind gesture but it's not. That fatty would buy it with my paycheck.

I unwrapped the wrapper of my first burger when Cartman hogged down his third. I was lookin' inside that magazine.

I felt a pang up in my chest. Kenny has a lot to show forth. He was a model and an almost actor. Bein' on the cover of a gentlemen's mag called 'Hip and All the Rage' meant somethin'.

"That damn Kinny really made it didn't he?" Cartman mumbled out through his sandwich, flipping a page to see Kenny in spread out like one of them fancy women in them dirty magazines. You know, spread out on the bed with some roses sprinkled around. It's a waste of a rose I think.

Damn teenage girls always liked him anyways.

"Looks like it, don't it?" I took a sip of my soda-pop.

"I bet your jealous!"

I shrugged in response. I know what your thinkin', I ain't that smart. It's true on the account I never did much schoolin' and it was hard too. I always never had the time for any of it.

I cleaned up my area as I hurried my way back to the car. This wasn't no 'wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am' job. I had the new engine on chains an' a crane. It was like an art. One wrong move an' it's my butt on the line.

I noticed Cartman's yell as he started my way on them stubby legs of his. "You got a call."

I held up the thick black payphone to my ear as I could hear a snide laugh in the background. "Happy birthday Kevin."

"Kenny?" I blinked back a bit of surprise.

"Yup, how's my big bro?" Kenny sounded eager as ever.

"Fine."

I didn't want to beg for a hand out. I needed a little cash my way but I ain't resortin' to beggin'.

"Good, I was just callin' you to see what you were going to do for your birthday. I was thinking about coming down there."

"Nah, you ain't gotta do that."

"Well then, I'll surprise you."

I could hear Catman swearing up a storm from the other room. I guess a few seconds on the phone was a little too much. I mean, I ain't into talkin' on the phone like some kind of girl.

"Well I gotta go. Thanks again. Bye." I about rambled outta my mouth like a fire storm as Cartman started my way. I hung it up quick.

"Get back to work!"

I let out a tiny sigh and did what I was told.

I started tinkering with the car 'til it got real dark outside. My shift was done hours ago but I really liked fixin' up cars. I twisted my cap on my head and tided my flannel shirt around my waist. I bet this is how a surgeon feels like. Sweaty and tired.

Cartman threw the keys at my feet. "Make sure you lock up." he slinked his way out the door without a goodbye.

I let out a tired sigh, wipin' my forehead. I made sure the shop was dark and all closed up. I locked the door tight, slippin' the key in my pocket.

I twisted on my heel, bumpin' someone on the ground. I glanced down to see Shelly and her face was red. Her eyes shot up to mine growling out. "Watch where you're going!"

I grabbed her arm, slinging her to her feet like she weighed a few pounds. She ripped her arm away from me, brushing herself off.

"Hey." I said simply.

She craned her neck at me, with a wicked frown she spat. "What do you want?"

Wow, she got pretty over the years. I wish I had something a little better to say.

"Oh nothin'."

"Then why are you bothering me turd?" her mean look fadin' just a little.

"Well I always see you when I be walking so I thought I could say hello."

"Creep-" She stopped, studied me hard. "Are you Kenny's brother?"

"Indeed I am. My name is Kevin McCormick. Pleasure to make the acquaintance."

"What are you doing in Denver? Don't you live with your parents?" she questioned me.

"Oh them? They don't need me." I said whatever came to mind. "I'm twenty-two today."

"Happy birthday." she said softly.

I did that weird laugh of mine. It's like a mule giving a giggle.

"I should ask you what you're doing in Denver." I gave her a huge grin.

"School. There's a nice college."

"College. You're that smart to go to college?" I blurted out.

I don't think she took that as a compliment when she stormed away. I frowned, givin' her a wave anyways. "Bye!"

When she disappeared into the dark I hit my fist against my head muttering. "Oh my Gosh. 'Are you that smart to go to college?' I'm an idiot." I got on the subway train and went under the city.

I stepped up to the door of my cruddy apartment. I unlocked it with a little to no trouble, stepping inside. Locking the door behind me.

I kicked off my stinkin' and worn shoes, shufflin' over to the fridge. I opened it to see nothin' but darkness instead of a bright light. I let out a sigh, grabbin' a can closest to me.

I plopped down on the couch, snappin' open a 'cold one' and I cringed as I felt the warm beer sting my throat. Electricity has been out for a bit anyways.

I got to my feet. No T.V. means no entertainment. I snatched up my cigarette on the coffee table before opening the patio door to my balcony. I covered my cigarette from the wind, lettin' the smoke enter my lungs. Oh man, was there nothin' like smoke in your lungs. I mean, no, don't smoke it's bad for ya.

But it's so smooth comin' in as it is comin' out.

I gave a casual glance up. I noticed this big star a twinklin'. Now you probably think it's weird but there is never a star in the sky in the city. It just ain't right on the account of there being so many lights.

I shrugged it off anyways. I was gettin' cold. I sprawled out on my couch, lowing my hat over my eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**I wrote another chapter. Stuff gets a bit crazy here, I hope the chapter wasn't too quick. I hope you guys like it~! :D  
**

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I was awake by the crack ass of dawn. You see, I always woke up early. Early to rise and late to bed... Wait, that ain't right. Hell, I musta forgot the way it went. Anyways, I liked to go to bed early just to wake up early. Ain't nothing wrong with that.

I started up my routine in the mornin'. I left my dirty clothes on the sofa, I was gonna take 'em all down to the laundry mat tonight anyways.

I glanced over at myself in the mirror, givin' a wink. "Hey studly."

I wish, I seemed damn near like a hobo. There's only one test to see if I was a hobo. I gave my pits an experimental smell before cringin'. Yup, I'm a fully fledged hobo. Now all I need is a train and a can of beans.

Jesus, no wonder I ain't got a woman.

I got in the shower scrubbin' up real good an'... I ain't gonna tell you about all this. Ya know what people do in the shower.

I was thinkin' 'bout all the stuff I had to do today.

I gotta fix up some of the cars in the shop, I gotta do laundry and I need to eat. I don't think I even had dinner last night. Speakin' of which the power is still out.

I was hummin' to myself when I heard loud bangs up on my door. They kept gettin' louder and louder. I shut off the water, wrappin' a towel 'round my waist. I trudged over to the door openin' it up.

I was a little surprised seein' Cartman in the hallway. I mean, he hates my guts.

"What's goin' on?" I drawled out.

Cartman about hopped up seein' me right from the shower. What is he a fag? ...Wow, that was real mean of me. I'm sorry, I just hate that little ball of butter. He can make me so angry and I have the patience of a monk.

"Where the keys to the shop?" he grunted out.

Did he forget I had 'em? I'm very responsible, when I remember anyways.

I leaned over to the couch, digging through my pants pocket before throwing him the keys.

Cartman was startin' to chuckle. He does this funny thing when he laughs. His fat on his face starts to jiggle. I can't stop lookin'. I know its rude but it reminds me of a Santa Claus who shaved his beard. Like someone jigglin' a bowl of gelatin.

He looked at me hard for a few moments before his lips curled up into one of his smiles. Uh-oh. "I heard on the radio there an outbreak of a virus." he said casually.

"So?"

"So?! So we won't survive it!" he stuttered a little, I think he was a little shook up or somethin', I dunno. "Yeah... Yeah! It'll kill everyone off in a few hours."

"Oh." I scratched my stubby shadow on my chin. "I guess that's too bad."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"I guess so."

You see, I was a pretty lax guy. It took a lot to get me goin'. Seein' if the world was gon' end, it didn't bother me all that bad.

"Don't bother coming into work. I'm closing the shop for today." he avoided my eyes before goin' into a giggle fit. I guess everyone has their own ways of copin'. Some people cry and he laughs.

I had somethin' pop into my head. I dunno why I up and had this urge to see if Shelly was gon' be alright. I dunno why...

I felt myself blurt out. "Cartman?"

"What?" he seemed really gay today, gigglin' an' stuff.

"Where does Shelly go to school?"

"Oh, that community college. Why? Are you gonna save her? That would be so-" he snickered an' a snorted. "-great!"

I grabbed my ratty clothes on my sofa, lettin' my towel fall to the floor, not even caring Cartman was gettin' a full view of my peaches.

"Aw, sick dude!" he 'bout shrieked out covering his face with his fat fingers.

I shimmied into my dirty clothes on the sofa and 'bout darted outta my house.

Cartman called out from the hallway. "Are you going to close your door at least?"

"Shut it!" I answered loudly.

I was runnin' down the street as fast as my feet would take me. I liked to run an' I liked to run fast. I dunno why I cared to see Shelly so much. I wanted her to be okay.

I could see that big school in the distance as I pushed myself a little faster. I bet I was breakin' the speed limit. I wonder if a person can run ninety miles per hour?. I bet I would really scramble my brains.

I shrugged it off, I had a mission.

I opened them doors to the school like gangbusters. I saw lots and lots of faces but I just was lookin' for Shelly, it's all I was thinkin' about. If the world was gon' end I needed to tell her.

I started slammin' class doors tryin' to find her. I kept poppin' my head into rooms, nearly shoutin' her name. I was scurrin' all over that damn buildin'. I bet the students thought I was stupid or somethin'.

I cracked the art room door. I searched the room with my eyes real quick like. Then I noticed it. She was sittin' in a chair with one of them things that hold up the paper. Ya know, an easel, I think? All these people drawin' some naked man up on a pedestal. I woulda hid my twig and berries though, it was awfully cold in there.

"Shelly!" I hurried through the sea of people workin' on their paper. I fumbled over a person's easel and paper. I 'bout fell on my face. I bent over putting it back before blurtin' out a quick sorry. I didn't care that everyone was gawkin' at me like I was crazy or somethin'.

All that was on my mind was Shelly.

"Kevin?" Her eyes got wide like dinner plates. "What in the hell are you doing here?" she hissed out lowly.

"I got here as fast as I could. I heard from Cartman there's a virus an' its gon' kill us all."

The class started to laugh. I dunno why. Did I miss a joke or somethin'? She was lookin' all around and her face was red as a beet. "Get out of here!" she nearly shrieked.

"But Shelly the world's gonna end! Cartman said tha-"

"Cartman was lying. He's an asshole!" she cut me off before she covered her face whinin' out. "Why do you have to bother me? Why couldn't have it been someone else?"

I was wonderin' what she meant. The class only seemed to laugh louder. There musta been a really good joke said before I got here.

"What are you sayin' Shell?"

Oh please, God in heaven, don't make her hate me. I'd just die. I swear God was startin' to get on my nerves. He handed me the bad hand an' brushed me off. But, if she hated me, I'm givin' up on love.

"Don't you call me, 'Shell'. What I'm saying is I don't like you in the least. You're a poor piece of white trash. I don't like you around me and nobody else does either. Just get outta here and save me the goddamn embarrassment."

Oh god. I felt my face drop. My heart was hurtin' real bad. I 'bout cried to tell ya the truth. Mama always said the truth hurts but she didn't say how bad.

"You guys don't like me?" I croaked out.

"Stop trying to be funny. Just shut up and get out of here you turd!"

The class got real quiet like.

I let out a loud sigh, tryin' to compose myself. "Alright. Okay, I see what you're talking 'bout." I turned abruptly, makin' my way out of the door. The class went into a giggle fit.

Outside the door, I started to hit my fists against my head. Great, the only girl I like hates my guts now. That's just fantastic.

* * *

I made my way to work in a slow snail pace. I saw it was very much open. Cartman had his feet propped up on the desk, munchin' on his food, watchin' the small TV on his desk.

I went right into that door and right up to Cartman's desk, slamming my hands down tryin' to startle him. "Cartman you lied to me!"

"I didn't. It's the truth." he plopped another cheesy poof into that fat mouth of his.

"I missed work and I told Shelly... an' she hates me now. I really, _really_ liked her!" I 'bout started screamin'. Cartman was cruel but he really mucked things up for me and Shelly. She was gon' be my gal or my wife.

He started to snort and laugh. "Oh my God! You actually went there?" He 'bout choked on a cheesy poof.

"Cartman!" I growled out.

"Yeah, yeah... So I lied, what else is new? You can stay overtime to finish up on a few cars that came in today."

I felt my face go red and a vein on the top of my head bout popped out of my head. I was angry an' I really never show it but Cartman made me want to bust his face in. I ain't that mean of a guy.

I heard the jingle of the bell on the door behind me. I twisted my head towards it out of habit.

I saw Shell in the doorway. She was a huffin' an' puffin'. She hurried to my side, brushin' herself off. I think she was tryin' to compose herself.

"Shelly?" Hell, I was flabbergasted.

She was real quiet for a moment before she spoke up again. "I feel like a butt-wipe for saying all that to you."

"But you said it like you meant it."

"I didn't... I'm sorry." She sounded a bit hurt too. Poor girl. I guess she ain't so angry.

"I got tricked by Cartman." I hung my head in shame. "I-I was real worried 'bout you."

"Why do you believe what blubber ball has to say?" she furrowed her eyebrows at Cartman.

He shot right out of his sea like it was damn near on fire. "You skanky bitch!"

"Oh, Cartman... I'm oh so flattered, coming from someone who's ugly, fat and lacking where it counts."

I felt my jaw 'bout drop off my head. That ain't nice to talk about someone's Johnson like that. Cartman came stormin' from behind his desk. "Now you going to get it you little bitch! I'm going to whoop your ass."

She leered up at him. "Try it lardass."

Uh-no. Cartman ain't goin' to hurt her.

I got in front of her, steppin' right in Cartman's way. I gazed down at him. "It ain't right to hit a woman. You touch her an' Imma have to hurt ya."

"Now you're going to get it you fag! That's right, you and me, right now. Were having it out. Right now. Come on!" Cartman rose his fists up.

He did actually did punch me. His fists hit my stomach. It was like a little ball of gelatin hitting my side. I tried not to let out a laugh. That guy wasn't so strong at all.

I punched, nah, tapped his arm. He let out a whine. "Ow, that's too hard Kevinnn."

Shelly let out a grunt before movin' beside me. "Thanks Kevi-"

We were drug from our thoughts hearing a loud beep.

The TV on Cartman's desk started to beep loudly. I remember it was the national state of emergency warning system since they played that siren thingy every once and a while.

But somethin' wasn't right...

"This is the Emergency Broadcast System. The broadcasters in your area are reporting that the federal, state and or local authorities have declared state of emergency. Please tune into your local news station or radio for further information, news and instructions." the TV emanated the loud robotic voice.

It beeped loudly only to repeat.

"This is the Emergency broadcast system. Please tune into your local station for further information..."

Cartman stepped behind the desk to change to the local channel. At least I'm hopin'.

I heard the chime of the door behind me. "Well, well. Kevin you're lookin' grudgey as ever."

I twisted my head back to the mysterious person.


End file.
